Now that I'm starting in on my 2nd year of healthy living I feel ready to buckle down on my new goals, as well as reflect on how much my life has changed over the past year.
So much has changed in a year it still throws me off at times. Like, seeing photos of myself at this size is still surreal. At times it feels like nothing has changed at all. For example, I still have issues with overeating at emotionally stressful times. I also don't have that flat stomach I was expecting when I hit 160lbs, and yet now at 150lbs I'm still not even close. I However, it's concave when I lay on my back and that is when reality hits. Still blows my mind every time - and it's because it's something I've wanted to experience for as long as I can remember.
As soon as I hit teen years I wanted so badly to be "beautiful". I didn't really know how to make that happen for myself, but damned if I didn't try.
This photo is a good representation of what I dressed like for summer of my Sophomore year of high school. I had no idea how to shop for girly clothing that would fit me, since it seemed like plus size fashion didn't really become a big deal until a few years later. So I just shopped for clothes where we bought everything else for life's needs; Target.
Men's jeans were baggy and comfortable (These were lovely homemade cut-offs) and I could easily find shirts in Men's XL (despite the shirt featuring XXL across the front). I grew my hair out long because I thought the most beautiful girls I saw in school mostly had longer hair. However I had not yet been introduced to the wonder of tweezers, so my eyebrows were not in-style which at the time meant much narrower lines. These days the thickness is preferred again so that's good news for bushy-faced women such as myself.
This photo is a good representation of what I dressed like for summer of my Sophomore year of high school. I had no idea how to shop for girly clothing that would fit me, since it seemed like plus size fashion didn't really become a big deal until a few years later. So I just shopped for clothes where we bought everything else for life's needs; Target.
Men's jeans were baggy and comfortable (These were lovely homemade cut-offs) and I could easily find shirts in Men's XL (despite the shirt featuring XXL across the front). I grew my hair out long because I thought the most beautiful girls I saw in school mostly had longer hair. However I had not yet been introduced to the wonder of tweezers, so my eyebrows were not in-style which at the time meant much narrower lines. These days the thickness is preferred again so that's good news for bushy-faced women such as myself.
Like this one. At least through my own eyes, I see a different story coming from this picture, as it's nowhere near as flattering as the one above - solely because I see myself as too fat, and thus unappealing. I held onto this belief that being fat was ugly for a very long time. partly because of my own opinions on what beautiful looks like - and partly due to the regular bullying I endured throughout my school experiences. It was a constant battle of wanting to be thinner so that I, too, could be beautiful and not having the know-how to fix it.
I learned about a couple of eating disorders in high school in health class and through friends, primarily Bulimia and Anorexia. Both were incredibly unappealing to me, which was lucky because I could easily see how a person could slip into one of those traps as a "solution" to their weight issues. I was pretty headstrong about eating, though, and went the opposite direction on the scale of unhealthy relationships with food. It's very clear to me nowadays that I had been using food as an emotional deterrent. I ate often and I ate a lot. There were no 'meal times' really. It was basically eating time all the time. If I wasn't eating a meal, there was gum or a piece of candy in my mouth.
Several times, when I was around 8-10, I fell asleep with gum in my mouth and woke up with it in my hair. I think I've been an emotional eater for a long time - and certainly have been addicted to sugar from a much earlier age than I initially realized. Candy was a huge part of my childhood. Many times I would tell my dad there was a party at school and I wanted to bring a bag of candy to share. It was true that I did throw a party in class and shared the candy with my classmates, but sometimes I just wanted to share the candy between myself and one or two other friends while we read books in the air vent cubby.
I had never considered that I was a binge eater until a few years ago. The realization made me really uncomfortable and I avoided thinking about it as much as possible. But it was persistent every time I looked in the mirror and felt like a failure to myself. I knew I could do better and yet I didn't. I claimed to have "tried everything", but in reality it was just another line I tell myself so I can feel justified in being less than my potential. Just another excuse so that I don't have to try hard to get the things I want out of my life. It was so damned persistent - it never stopped calling to me.
And this is how the whole thing with clean eating started. It's been so much more than just adding fruits and vegetables into my life. It's a restructuring of everything I believe to be truth. I did nothing but tell myself dirty lies to keep myself in a state of perpetual self-loathing that I couldn't f'ing stand anymore, to be quite frank. I was becoming annoyed with myself and demanded that I to go forward with truth and contemplation.
I went from eating pre-prepared boxed meals that you need only add water to craving raw vegetables so intensely that we often eat salads for lunch and dinner now. This change didn't happen immediately and it certainly has been a challenge at times with several backslides. Mostly minor, though, as I sent a standard for myself that I have been unwilling to fall short of. When I got down to 155lbs I told myself (and my husband) that I would never again go over 160lbs. I was committed to my goal of a healthy lifestyle, and to me healthy meant I was in a safer weight range for my BMI and body type. 160lbs was recomeded by my doctor, so that's what I felt comfortable with. Sure enough I got back up to 162lbs in February and did exactly what I promised myself I would do. I told myself the truth and then took the time to contemplate it and make sure I understand why I started doing this in the first place.
I grabbed my photo album and started giving myself pep-talks in my head.
Several times, when I was around 8-10, I fell asleep with gum in my mouth and woke up with it in my hair. I think I've been an emotional eater for a long time - and certainly have been addicted to sugar from a much earlier age than I initially realized. Candy was a huge part of my childhood. Many times I would tell my dad there was a party at school and I wanted to bring a bag of candy to share. It was true that I did throw a party in class and shared the candy with my classmates, but sometimes I just wanted to share the candy between myself and one or two other friends while we read books in the air vent cubby.
I had never considered that I was a binge eater until a few years ago. The realization made me really uncomfortable and I avoided thinking about it as much as possible. But it was persistent every time I looked in the mirror and felt like a failure to myself. I knew I could do better and yet I didn't. I claimed to have "tried everything", but in reality it was just another line I tell myself so I can feel justified in being less than my potential. Just another excuse so that I don't have to try hard to get the things I want out of my life. It was so damned persistent - it never stopped calling to me.
And this is how the whole thing with clean eating started. It's been so much more than just adding fruits and vegetables into my life. It's a restructuring of everything I believe to be truth. I did nothing but tell myself dirty lies to keep myself in a state of perpetual self-loathing that I couldn't f'ing stand anymore, to be quite frank. I was becoming annoyed with myself and demanded that I to go forward with truth and contemplation.
I went from eating pre-prepared boxed meals that you need only add water to craving raw vegetables so intensely that we often eat salads for lunch and dinner now. This change didn't happen immediately and it certainly has been a challenge at times with several backslides. Mostly minor, though, as I sent a standard for myself that I have been unwilling to fall short of. When I got down to 155lbs I told myself (and my husband) that I would never again go over 160lbs. I was committed to my goal of a healthy lifestyle, and to me healthy meant I was in a safer weight range for my BMI and body type. 160lbs was recomeded by my doctor, so that's what I felt comfortable with. Sure enough I got back up to 162lbs in February and did exactly what I promised myself I would do. I told myself the truth and then took the time to contemplate it and make sure I understand why I started doing this in the first place.
I grabbed my photo album and started giving myself pep-talks in my head.
Remember how badly I wished boys would
notice me? I worked so hard to be the
most beautiful version of me that I could muster. And I remember what Grandma Wilma says,
"You were always beautiful."
I look at myself here and think, yeah, I really
did do the best that I knew how to do at the time - and because I've never stopped trying to better myself as a person overall, THAT is the most beautiful quality I can now see and appreciate in myself.
notice me? I worked so hard to be the
most beautiful version of me that I could muster. And I remember what Grandma Wilma says,
"You were always beautiful."
I look at myself here and think, yeah, I really
did do the best that I knew how to do at the time - and because I've never stopped trying to better myself as a person overall, THAT is the most beautiful quality I can now see and appreciate in myself.
So how is "beautiful" defined? Well, it depends on who you are and what turns your crank. For some, I may have appeared better looking when I was bigger than I do nowadays. To be honest, this is the first time in my life when I'm starting to let go of caring what others think of my appearance. I've reached my goals and without the need of anyone else's approval. I do what I do for the approval of myself. In the end, I'm the one who has to live with my decisions, so I choose to try hard and continue to impress the hell of out myself.
Like this comparison picture, which doesn't look like much, but in the one on the left I'm wearing a size X-Large and on the right I'm in a Large.
Like this comparison picture, which doesn't look like much, but in the one on the left I'm wearing a size X-Large and on the right I'm in a Large.
I've been happy with my appearance ever since I got down to my original goal weight. I continue to take steps to further improve my habits, like restricting dairy much more after several illnesses caused by milk, cutting portion sizes due to bloating and discomfort after meals, etc. and it's really like icing on the cake every time I do a weight check. As a reminder, my goal weight is now set at 135lbs which would put me smack dab in the middle of the healthy range BMI. I'm excited to see what the future brings and I'm happy with how far I've come. Maybe most importantly, I'm happy in the present, too. Whenever I'm having a bad image day or feel fat and bloated I go put on one of my old shirts and instantly feel relief. I still haven't adjusted to being so small. The reaction from others is noticeably different than when I was plus sized, too, so that's taking some adjustment as well.
And that's all I got for today, thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!
Love & knishes, Alicia.
And that's all I got for today, thanks for reading and I hope you have a wonderful week!
Love & knishes, Alicia.