But I knew from the start of all this that it’s a lifestyle change, so if I’m still here then there’s still work to do; there is no finish line. My goal has always been that I just don’t want to feel like shit every day and it’s really starting to feel that way again. My lifestyle choice is to prevent illness, and eating excessive sugars is literally feeding illness… not preventing it, so there's that weighing on my brain every day. I’ve accepted body pains and discomfort as normal again when they don’t exist without excessive sugar. I’ve accepted that I’m always tired and that’s just the “hustle culture” we live in that, coincidentally, didn’t plague me when I wasn’t eating excessive sugar. The acceptance that I’ll get a shit night’s sleep in exchange for a buzz to “help??” amplify the enjoyment of an evening when I have no memories of evenings feeling any less enjoyable when I wasn’t eating excessive amounts of sugar.
The reality is that I slowly reintroduced it and I’m addicted again.
I avoided writing about this for a long time. I kept thinking I’m only helpful when I’m at my very best, like when I was largely sugar-free and high on life. I had so much energy I felt like I was practically bursting at the seams. That feels like just long enough ago to fool me into wondering if I’m remembering wrong. But I was very loud throughout that time and I have this blog and a ton of social media posts to back it up and assure me. This IS the right thing for me to do - and I’ve decided that I'm considering this my “day 1”, but to be fair I had been thinking about this long before today. It just took this long to get a grip.
Over the summer, I spent a lot of time reestablishing better habits for self care, which realy helps bring me out of the “fog” brain I get when I’m addicted. It’s like, I forget? (don't care?) how nice it is to have manicured nails or the comfortable feeling of being properly hydrated. Once I get those kinds of basics back into my routine it was more obvious how badly I really need to get more sleep. That’s where I'm at right now. I see the connection and I’m now ready to pull the plug on my supply and feel human again.
My goal - 155lbs (-10lbs)
Current - 165lbs
Physical - Abstain from alcohol and added sugar, increase hydration, increase daily movement
Mental - Be an artist, get some fresh air
Motivation - 2 months worth of alcohol cost the same as this banyan... so for science, I will abstain from drinking until at least ~Christmas to determine if drinking is more fun/worth the expense than nerding out.