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The Sizes You Wear

9/28/2015

Buying clothes is a tedious task for a lot of people. Personally, I like shopping for clothes when I have both the money to buy the kinds of clothes I really want to wear, as well as plenty of free time so that I don't have to rush to buy something just because I need it. Shopping out of necessity is what bores me. Like, "ugh, I NEED this pair of pants otherwise I have no pants that fit me." Well, that has been the scenario for most of my shopping experiences over the past 5 months. I've been lucky to have some friends who were able to donate to me once I got to a certain size. I would have been at the thrift store a lot more otherwise. Sometimes I needed to go for specific items, though, and that wasn't always enjoyable. Oh look, I just bought 4 new adorable bras... aaaaaaand they don't fit. It's been a whole month of wearing them and now they're completely useless to me. Awesome.
It SOUNDS fun to everyone else. I get "that's a good problem to have" a lot. I agreed for a while, but I really don't anymore. I hate buying clothes that I love only to not be able to wear them after a month or two.
I'm definitely learning to stop being so attached to my clothes. I'm more picky about what I buy because I ended up having a lot of clothes to get rid of that I didn't really wear. I had them around for that "special occasion" kind of day, but those days rarely came. I never had a reason to wear certain tops or dresses more than once and that is just silly to me.

Anyway, clothing sizes have always been interesting. What size am I? It depends on the style, designer, fabric, etc. At 230lbs I typically wore a size 16 or 18 in jeans/bottoms, for tops I could do a size 16/18 or a 1X or 2X or a men's XL, and usually between an 18 and a 22 for dresses. I hold most of my weight in my bust and stomach, and am considered apple shaped, as I was blessed with narrow hips and relatively small arms and legs. When I thought about my body shape, I used to joke that I felt like a potato with some toothpicks stuck in for arms and legs.
At 165lbs, I am currently wearing a size 9/10 jeans/bottoms (getting a little loose as I get closer to 160), anywhere between a size M to XL in women's tops or a M in men's, and pretty solidly in a size 12 for dresses.

I'm realizing sizes just don't matter. I'd heard it numerous times in the past, but it's very much reality to me now. I don't think anyone is able to say they are just one size. For me it was more fun as an overweight person to say I was the smallest size I was able to wear. I identified with being a size 16, because that's where I usually rested. But there were plenty of times when my 16's were really tight and I was muffin-topping pretty substantially. I had some 18's stowed away for those times. I could usually get myself back in check if I got so big that my 18's were tight, so that was good.

I think of sizes differently now. I use it like I use the scale - a way to track my progress. I look at other people who wear the same size and see if I still perceive it as a 'thin' weight/size. When I was obese and wearing a size 16 I thought that people who wore a size 10 were pretty darned small. Wearing it now has been an odd sensation. I keep thinking, but I'm not even small! How is that possible? Is it really just because I don't have hips that I am able to wear this size? Am I actually still really fat? Only one way to know for sure. Get naked in front of a mirror and check that business out.

My honest opinion of myself is yes, I'm still fat. I have a considerable amount of excess belly fat that I've been mainly concerned about since the beginning. Is it better than it was? Of course. I can't believe how easy it is to take a deep breath now. It's the best! But my weight is still not at a spot that I think is optimal. I imagine myself having a certain kind of body and it's totally attainable. It's just a matter of time and continuing to be mindful. I have to sometimes remind myself that it has only been 5 months. Cells in the body are completely replaced by new ones every 7 years. So, even though I will continue to see improvements in my body well before then, I still have to be realistic and know that my body isn't going to be completely rid of the abuse I've inflicted for another 6 1/2 years. It's not worth getting bent out of shape about if I don't lose weight every week. I don't really care about how fast it happens - just that I learn how to sustain the habits and lifestyle and live better in the meantime.
It's hard for me at times because I want to be able to just relax and not have to think about it anymore, but that's not reality. My reality is that I have to decide every day. Am I going to wake up and just be like "screw it" and go back to old, familiar habits? Well, I didn't wake up one day and say I'm going to do everything right and then did it. It was long, tedious and I was often discouraged and backslid. It was mentally draining and I felt like a victim of some cruel joke. Every step helped me get here, though, so the moral of the story is to start by putting one foot forward. Just take the first step and the rest will follow. Eventually you'll be moving forward at a constant pace and be able to pick up speed as you go. Some people think differently about what makes something healthy or unhealthy, but on the whole it doesn't matter which way is "right". If it makes your body feel better, then do it. Don't worry if someone else isn't also doing that thing. Do worry if you're lying to yourself.

I lie all of the time to myself about food and exercise. All of the time; still to this day. Even after such an impressive amount of weight loss in those first 3 months of clean eating, I still have to coach myself off of the ledge of binge eating or giving into junky temptations. I wanted that slice of pie last week, too. I wanted to eat some of those free potato chips. There are still loads of granola bars at my office. It's still not easy, and it might not be for a really long time. But that time is coming regardless. Time is going to pass whether I try or don't try. So I just wake up every day and think only of the day at hand. It's not about yesterday's failures or tomorrows potential setbacks. It's about today and facing every obstacle as a little test to see if I still know the correct answer. Yup, I still know that if I'm not hungry, I don't eat. Yup, I still know that life is about balance and every now and then I'm allowed to eat something unnecessary.

What size am I? It doesn't matter. I'm starting to take pride in my fleshy vessel!
These two pictures are great because the first one was when I was heavier, but it was my favorite picture of me at the time. The second is my favorite picture now.

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I'm Allowed to Change My Mind.

9/21/2015

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Diet and exercise.
These words have been said to me or by me more times that I can remember. All you have to do is diet and exercise! That's what we all know to be true and so begins the rat race to see who finds the easiest way to achieve weight loss with as little effort as possible.
I've tried:

Jenny Craig
Weight Watchers (3x)
Diet supplements at drug stores or online
Juice cleanses
Portion control
Counting calories
Using a pedometer
Joining Anytime Fitness, Northwestern Athletic Club, college facilities, L.A. Fitness, etc.
Workout videos
Wii Fit, Biggest Loser video game
Fasting

I imagined one day getting my stomach stapled, lap band, or some kind of surgery. Honestly, I think I would have chickened out anyway. I prefer not going through surgery as it increases my risk of then having other health complications. Just didn't seem worth the risk yet. I hadn't tried "everything" yet, like I sometimes claimed.
Trying everything means I have to know everything, and I sure didn't. I still don't, but I know a lot more than I used to and that's a start.

One thing I also remember people telling me was that losing weight was 80% focus on your diet and 20% on your exercise. I've always felt like I was a one-at-a-time kind of person so I started by focusing 100% of my attention on my diet to get that under control. Again, a lot of that started after I gave up on soda. I'd learned through counting calories that soda was taking up a lot of them, and diet sodas contain sweeteners that are believed to be dangerous to consume, potentially causing cancer. It's been remarkably easy to pretend like I am impervious to death as I've managed to avoid it thus far, but cancer doesn't sound like anything found on my bucket list. That was enough motivation to get me to stop. I replaced it with other harmful beverages like lemonades, frappucinos and flavored lattes, and chocolate almond milk. Okay, chocolate almond milk isn't going to give me cancer, I realize this, but Almond Breeze chocolate almond milk still contains 5 teaspoons of sugar per serving. Even if I want to believe it's healthy, it's not. Believing something does not make it true, Alicia.

I probably sound like a broken record to everyone, but sugar is a serious problem with our diet in this country (and several others who have adopted our junk food culture). It's like every day is the State Fair when you have McDonalds and Burger King and Taco Bell. You can get anything fried up and ready to eat in minutes and every meal can end with dessert.
I learned through personal research and watching several food-related documentaries that junk food seems to all be linked to the addition of sugar. Sure, we love our chips and crackers, but those usually contain other addictive chemicals that our taste buds find irresistible. Sugar is in many things that aren't considered sweets. Check out the ketchup bottles. Go look how many grams per serving are in a salad dressing bottle. I found it fun to go through my cabinets and see how many things had sugar in it. Most of them were a complete shock to me. Fresh fruit is great. I eat a piece of fruit every day, sometimes many. But most dried fruit is not great because they add more sugar to it.

Diet.
Can't be a temporary thing like I've treated my past diets. For me, diets only lasted for a pre-determined amount of time. Like a 30-day cleanse or a diet-until-I-lose-the-weight kind of deal. Those didn't seem to work for me. In fact, most of the time I'd gain more weight than I had originally been pre-diet. Which sucked. It seemed that every time I went on a diet that restricted me from things I wanted, I would retaliate afterwards and reward myself too much once the diet was officially over in my mind. I remember at one point I was even inspired to change the way I talk to myself about food. I stopped saying "I can't have that" and instead told myself "I don't want that". My conversations in my head were about reinforcing the idea that this could be a better way of life and it's not about punishing myself.

Old Thinking: I want that donut so badly... but I CAN'T have it because of my stupid diet. I can't wait until cheat-day. I'm going to eat like 4 donuts. It's not like I'll start drinking pop again. It's just a couple of donuts.

New Thinking: Ooh, that donut looks tasty. I bet it's not though, look at how cheap it looks. If I'm going to eat a donut it better be from a really good bakery, otherwise it's just going to taste lame and make me regret eating it.

*
Old Thinking: This pie is delicious and I never want to stop tasting this thing. I hope there's a whole pan of it left in the fridge because I could probably eat the whole thing. I consider it my dinner, too. I won't eat anything else tonight, so it's not as bad as it could be.

New Thinking: This pie is delicious upon the first few bites and then it becomes unreasonably sweet and I don't want any more. It's super good and I would keep eating it, but I'm also pretty full from the blast of sugary calories I just threw in my belly. I can always put something away for later.

*
Old Thinking: Some of my fondest memories from childhood are being alone or with friends in my house, playing video games and eating. Junk food is a staple of my childhood and I enjoy living with it in my life as an adult. I can buy anything I want now, and this fast food is super cheap so I can buy a ton of it!!

New Thinking: Some of my fondest memories from childhood are also playing the piano and singing, writing music, playing with friends on the boulevard grass, and following my brother around, trying to be as cool as him. It's not all about the food. I think I was wrong when I thought junk food wasn't hurting me. I think it was the only thing holding me back from being a healthy weight.

I have learned so much from this experience already and the my biggest discovery was that I have control over my weight. I knew from a visit to the doctor that I didn't have any problems with my thyroid, so I had to figure out what I was doing wrong. This was it for me. If I could really cut out all of the junk completely, would I see or feel any significant change? It wasn't an easy thing to test, as I had to really commit to it if it was going to be accurately done.

At first, I still ate plenty of sugar. I threw out everything in my house that contained added sugars like sauces, dressings, crackers, cookies, candy and baking sweets, and replaced them with honey, maple syrup, dried fruit, juice and dark chocolate.
So, once I kind of felt better about not eating all of that extra hidden sugar and felt that in order to further commit to the test, I'd have to cut out even more. For about a month, the only sweetener I ate in a day was the tablespoon of maple syrup in my morning oatmeal. It was tough though, because sometimes I wanted to have something else that was sweet, but I had already eaten it for breakfast. I followed this suggested amount:

I went even further with it and stopped eating oatmeal for breakfast (I did try it other ways but didn't like them, so I just switched to eating eggs instead). Now I had a little bit of sugar to play with. like a couple of cubes of dark chocolate throughout the day, or maybe someone made cookies and they look really well done. I don't feel guilty about eating a cookie. I gained the ability to read my body signals and can tell when I've had enough of something. If it was so good that I want another - the second one will never be as good as that first one, so why even bother? I'll just have another treat at some other point. I'll be fine until then.
It seems to be getting easier to resist temptation as I am really starting to piece together how much worse I felt physically and emotionally before. It's hard to describe, but I like it and I ain't gonna stop!
I am not yet as small as I would like to see, but I am super excited about myself now. I like the way I look a great deal and my confidence is bigger in many areas of my life because of it.

This is better than a piece of cake. It's a walk in the park. The perfect diet for me. One that I can do indefinitely and reap so many benefits from. I lost 35lbs in 4 months from kicking my dependency on sugar. I didn't count calories. I didn't work out other than walking and occasionally playing on the pull-up bar (jump holding, swinging, etc).

Today's Thinking:
I eat whatever I want, I just have a much shorter list of things I want now.

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I built this wall, brick by brick

9/15/2015

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Okay, so I just had a random string of thoughts and had to vent about it.
I am starting to realize I've had a LOT of excuses built up for myself to avoid addressing my health problems. It's like every day I notice a new one that has become outdated to me. Sometimes I will catch a fragment of someone else's conversations while out shopping, or I'll have a conversation with someone and they'll say an old excuse that I remember believing at one point to be factual. For example, back in my college years I remember having a conversation with someone about weight loss and a very common thing for me to say or hear was that when women lose weight, they lose it in their breasts first. I totally used this excuse in my own mind to give myself a tiny little excuse to not try and lose weight. I didn't want to lose the ladies, as I've become rather attached to them, so I can keep eating the way I'm eating - just less of it.

Eating less DID make a difference, just not a big one. It was the matter of resting around 250lbs versus being around 230lbs. If I let myself do whatever the hell I wanted because of stress/anxiety, I would binge like a mofo. I loved to eat an entire bag of chips. A whole pizza to myself. A bag of tater tots all for me. A half gallon of chocolate peanut butter ice cream... mmmm. Oh boy, those times were no good. I could feel myself getting sicker and didn't have any control over myself to stop. The food is impossibly good. Addictive even. But I wanted to lose weight so badly. So I kept trying. The first step I took in the right direction for a healthier lifestyle was eating less.

I realized my weight had gotten out of control by seeing pictures of myself appear on Facebook. It wasn't the way I saw myself in the mirror at all. However, it was impossible to dispute as I could clearly see myself from an outside perspective. So, I did what I learned from having done the Jenny Craig program when I was 18, which was to eat smaller portions. I didn't change any of the kind of foods I was eating, I just ate less of it and exercised more.
Over time I found that certain food changes would cause me to lose weight even if I wasn't working out regularly. As I mentioned in my first post, an example of this was switching to Trader Joe's for all of our groceries. Trader Joe's (and all grocery stores) still sells junk food, but it's slightly less junky. There's still a lot of unnecessary crap (like excessive amounts of sugar) in their Joe's O's, but they're less junky than Oreo's. As I also mentioned, their frozen hashbrowns were the most shocking to me. Potatoes have always been a weakness of mine and were always in a sort of on-again, off-again kind of relationship. When we switched to Trader Joe's, I became more aware of what kinds of ingredients were different. Sometimes I still shopped for food at Target because it was convenient and I could use my Red Card for a mini discount. But over time I started noticing how much extra stuff was added to the same foods between store brands. Take a look at this hashbrown label from Target.

The one from Trader Joe's has this on their ingredient's list:

I'm not advocating that people eat more hashbrowns (I don't buy these anymore as I know I cannot be trusted to eat them in moderation), but it was a step in the right direction to eat a little less junky. The most important factor to stop eating them now is the fact that there is sugar in them. Both kinds list it and I didn't catch it for a long time... but it's listed right there at the end. Dextrose. Might not be a LOT of sugar, but it's still sugar and in order to successfully complete the 1 month detox I had to cut all of it.

Here's another familiar thing I heard somewhere: It's dangerous to lose too much weight because it can harm your singing voice. I'm not sure why this one was said to me at all. From what I can find online about it, there is no evidence that losing weight would affect singing in a bad way at all. In fact, the general consensus is that it is actually beneficial for vocal health.

Honestly, I feel like I've surrounded myself by so many excuses that I'm actually getting bored of hearing myself use them. Also, forget what I said last entry about not feeling bad about what I ate at the State Fair last weekend. It was a terrible experience last Monday; I had what I can only describe as a junk food hangover. I ended up feeling sick and crabby all day. I was bloated and irregular. On top of that, I was also blessed by experiencing mood swings, poor self image and feeling insecure. I think I actually told my husband that I "feel like I just gained all of the weight back. Like, I'm suddenly 250lbs again." It was the kind of feeling I used to live with every day before I started eating clean and I do not want to experience it ever again. It's just not worth it. Tuesday was a significantly better day altogether but I'm still upset that I feel like it was a waste of a day. I could have had just a normal day if I my brain hadn't been clouded by chemical abuse. I guess I needed a day like that to truly appreciate how far I've come and solidify my decision to cut junk food from my daily life.

May 11th, 2015

"Just now I was kind of daydreaming as I try to go to sleep and thought about those chocolate sandwich cookies that I used to eat. Keebler? They were two biscuits shaped like humanoid creatures with a chocolate frosting-like substance between them. Were they even good? I'm imagining pulling them apart to eat one of the plain biscuits first. That way I get more sugary goodness in the second half. I kind of didn't like them plain, though. Like, I'd throw it away if I didn't want to go through the sensation of eating it. To a certain degree, it was still enjoyable to eat the plain ones. They had a nice crunch or I could just let it sit in my mouth until it became so saturated that it was as soft as the frosting. I liked both sensations. I also got sugar from it, so my brain was like "Yeaaaahhh go gurrrl!". But I still wonder, why didn't I just throw it away if I didn't like it? I could just eat the parts I liked and discarded the rest. Maybe I felt wasteful? I don't recall. That frosting was the main draw. Was I just craving straight frosting? Maybe it's just me but it seems really wrong to be craving a tub of sugar-goo... and then eating said sugar-goo out of the tub with a spoon. That was my all-time low point with frosting. I must have been so addicted to sugar that I was desperate to get it from anywhere. Imagining doing that now makes me feel sick to my stomach. I couldn't do that to myself again. I immediately regretted doing it. I stopped mid-bite, threw out what was left and never did that again. Sugar, man... Sugar.

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Addictions

9/7/2015

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I like words. Sometimes I get used to using a certain word to mean only one thing. For example, when I thought about using the word "addiction" it only pertained to certain things like smoking cigarettes for the nicotine. But about a decade ago, I found that I was having withdrawal symptoms while visiting family out of town. I had a horrible headache that lasted 2 days straight and nothing seemed to fix it. A lightbulb seemed to go on over my grandma's head and she took me to the nearest Starbucks. Sure enough, as soon as I drank some caffeine the headache was gone. I was really shocked by the discovery and started weaning myself from caffeine asap. I still drank caffeinated beverages and consumed chocolate covered espresso beans, but I got to a point where I didn't NEED it in order to function on a daily basis. I broke a caffeine addiction.

I didn't actively think about addictions again until more recently. What else could we be addicted to? Especially when considering the definition of addiction:

Okay, so if I can be potentially addicted to anything, what things are more harm than good on the path to a healthier lifestyle? What can I do to make it as easy as possible to enjoy my life on a daily basis? One of my steps was to admit my addictions. Things I was convinced I "couldn't live without".
The first thing that always pops into my head is my latest achievement which was cutting through my addiction to sugar. It was incredibly difficult to break through it - for me it was even harder than quitting caffeine. But it's bigger than just sugar. It's an umbrella with many things nested underneath that need to be addressed one at a time. I am a binge eater. Once I get going and exceed my necessary limits, I want to keep eating and eating and eating. It's hard to shake the image of a fat kid gorging on Twinkies when I think of my behavior only up until a few months ago. It made me feel bad about myself on a regular basis and I think that emotion was the driving force to want to better myself. The spark was lit under me after viewing "Fed Up" (Netflix. Lots of info. Watch it!), and the result of losing over 30lbs in the first 3 months solidified my decision to continue down this path.
I don't like being fat and I don't want to do it anymore.

I thought this meant that I had to 'punish' myself by never eating the junky things I like ever again. Forever spend my days with my face pressed up against the glass window of a bakery, watching only skinny perfections eating the vast array of baked goods. But that's not at all how it's been going for me. In fact, yesterday I went to one of the most dangerous places a food addict can go. The State Fair. There were 3 of us walking together and we agreed to share most of our food so that we would be able to try more things.
I had a bite of a Roti, half of a Sriracha ball, half of a pretzel wrapped hotdog, a Sweet Martha's Cookie, and a shared bowl of Nitro ice cream. We also parked about a mile from the entrance and thus walked over 10k steps. I'm not worried about what I ate yesterday, as today is a different day and it will be much easier to do better today than I did yesterday. That is always how I compare my days - yesterday I didn't make the best choices, so today I will try to eat even better and do a little extra exercise.
I feel confident in saying that junk food is no longer a problem for me. I don't want junk food today. I don't crave more ice cream (I think I had a few bites too much anyway), I don't want another deep fried thing. I'm looking forward to fresh food again. I miss my daily salad already. Not because a salad inherently tastes better than a mini donut. It doesn't. But a mini donut never made me feel good once it was in my belly. It either made me feel sad that I ate them because I knew they weren't good for me, or it made me feel sad because there weren't more for me to eat. Salads don't do that to me. They don't confuse my signals, or make me feel any regret. They leave me full and content and I don't wish I had a second salad to consume. That is a sign for me - a VERY important one. In order for me to kick my food addictions, I need to abstain from the junky things I am craving until I can handle them in moderation.

I had trouble with a lot of foods, actually. Some of them I am still dealing with and others are no longer a big deal as I have learned to control myself around those temptations.
In 4 months I've had potato chips once. They came with a sandwich my husband and I were splitting and I ate a few of the chips. They were decent, but I knew I couldn't let myself eat them all as I was on auto-pilot to do. My husband abstained from eating them at all, which did help remind me that there was no need to eat potato chips in the first place. The sandwich was quite enough food. I have not eaten chips since. I abstain from chips because they are something I know I have binged on in the past. Since I don't feel 100% confident that I can handle myself around them, I just don't keep them around.
I had too many french fries at a restaurant last weekend because they were too damned delicious. I did feel bad after that outing because of my lack of resistance to temptation. I didn't beat myself up about it, but I did make a mental note that it may be a good idea to avoid potatoes in general for a while. They have proven to be a great challenge for me to moderate and since there are millions of alternative things to eat, I can just go on avoiding them for a while longer until I can manage to just eat a couple of them.

I had a list at one point that I added foods to that I could not be trusted to have around the house. Everything on that list was dumped into the garbage and not purchased again. I don't remember it all verbatim, but here's an idea of what my list included:

Potatoes, chips, hashbrowns
Breakfast cereal, granola
Candy
Baking supplies
Ice cream
Frozen meals, dinner-in-a-bag
Bread
Boxed meals, processed foods
Soda, juice, chocolate almond milk

Again, it wasn't intended to torture myself by getting rid of "everything I like to eat". This was more like an intervention with myself. I knew I could do better and I am currently on the path of doing just that. These are merely foods I know I have little to no control over myself when I'm left alone with. If I don't keep it in my house, then I am not tempted to eat it. It's not easy. Now I have to go to the store to specifically buy something junky. 9 times out of 10 I will choose not to go out and get it because I've had time to consider whether or not I really want it. I am impulsive and will eat things that have made me sick in the past with the justification that it's "worth it". Uhhh, no Alicia. Just no. It's not worth the symptoms of lactose intolerance for a pint of ice cream. It's not worth feeling bloated all day just to eat pizza. There just came a point when I felt like enough was enough. I've found out that it isn't torture avoiding pizza at all. It's torture being shackled to an addiction and feeling hopeless against it. That was torture. That is why it is easier for me to continue avoiding it. I remind myself how it felt to be fatting out of my size 16 jeans. I remind myself of how lethargic I felt every day. How emotionally tied I felt to food - like I was having a super stressful day and I would just feel better if I ate a burger and some chocolate. I am working to build new ways to relax and new ways to handle my stress and anxiety that don't involve food. It's a slow-going process, but I attribute much of my progress to cutting my addictions - primarily to sugar.

For anyone interested, there is a lot of info about doing a 10-Day sugar detox here. Personally, I think people should do it for 1 month to completely be off of a sugar addiction, but 10 days is a great start. I highly recommend keeping a journal during the experience, too. You don't have to write a lot everyday, but just keep tabs on your thoughts and emotions as you cut out this crazy addictive substance.
Also, this woman's experience doing the 10-day challenge is a great read!

Have a great week all - and of course, here's another fun comparison pic!

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About the Author

Alicia is a professional vocalist who has spent over 20 years battling with obesity. In April of 2015 she decided to change her life by ditching processed food products, and working on balancing both physical and mental health.

The Sizes You Wear

I'm Allowed to Change My Mind.

I built this wall, brick by brick

Addictions

About the Author

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