It SOUNDS fun to everyone else. I get "that's a good problem to have" a lot. I agreed for a while, but I really don't anymore. I hate buying clothes that I love only to not be able to wear them after a month or two.
I'm definitely learning to stop being so attached to my clothes. I'm more picky about what I buy because I ended up having a lot of clothes to get rid of that I didn't really wear. I had them around for that "special occasion" kind of day, but those days rarely came. I never had a reason to wear certain tops or dresses more than once and that is just silly to me.
Anyway, clothing sizes have always been interesting. What size am I? It depends on the style, designer, fabric, etc. At 230lbs I typically wore a size 16 or 18 in jeans/bottoms, for tops I could do a size 16/18 or a 1X or 2X or a men's XL, and usually between an 18 and a 22 for dresses. I hold most of my weight in my bust and stomach, and am considered apple shaped, as I was blessed with narrow hips and relatively small arms and legs. When I thought about my body shape, I used to joke that I felt like a potato with some toothpicks stuck in for arms and legs.
At 165lbs, I am currently wearing a size 9/10 jeans/bottoms (getting a little loose as I get closer to 160), anywhere between a size M to XL in women's tops or a M in men's, and pretty solidly in a size 12 for dresses.
I'm realizing sizes just don't matter. I'd heard it numerous times in the past, but it's very much reality to me now. I don't think anyone is able to say they are just one size. For me it was more fun as an overweight person to say I was the smallest size I was able to wear. I identified with being a size 16, because that's where I usually rested. But there were plenty of times when my 16's were really tight and I was muffin-topping pretty substantially. I had some 18's stowed away for those times. I could usually get myself back in check if I got so big that my 18's were tight, so that was good.
I think of sizes differently now. I use it like I use the scale - a way to track my progress. I look at other people who wear the same size and see if I still perceive it as a 'thin' weight/size. When I was obese and wearing a size 16 I thought that people who wore a size 10 were pretty darned small. Wearing it now has been an odd sensation. I keep thinking, but I'm not even small! How is that possible? Is it really just because I don't have hips that I am able to wear this size? Am I actually still really fat? Only one way to know for sure. Get naked in front of a mirror and check that business out.
My honest opinion of myself is yes, I'm still fat. I have a considerable amount of excess belly fat that I've been mainly concerned about since the beginning. Is it better than it was? Of course. I can't believe how easy it is to take a deep breath now. It's the best! But my weight is still not at a spot that I think is optimal. I imagine myself having a certain kind of body and it's totally attainable. It's just a matter of time and continuing to be mindful. I have to sometimes remind myself that it has only been 5 months. Cells in the body are completely replaced by new ones every 7 years. So, even though I will continue to see improvements in my body well before then, I still have to be realistic and know that my body isn't going to be completely rid of the abuse I've inflicted for another 6 1/2 years. It's not worth getting bent out of shape about if I don't lose weight every week. I don't really care about how fast it happens - just that I learn how to sustain the habits and lifestyle and live better in the meantime.
It's hard for me at times because I want to be able to just relax and not have to think about it anymore, but that's not reality. My reality is that I have to decide every day. Am I going to wake up and just be like "screw it" and go back to old, familiar habits? Well, I didn't wake up one day and say I'm going to do everything right and then did it. It was long, tedious and I was often discouraged and backslid. It was mentally draining and I felt like a victim of some cruel joke. Every step helped me get here, though, so the moral of the story is to start by putting one foot forward. Just take the first step and the rest will follow. Eventually you'll be moving forward at a constant pace and be able to pick up speed as you go. Some people think differently about what makes something healthy or unhealthy, but on the whole it doesn't matter which way is "right". If it makes your body feel better, then do it. Don't worry if someone else isn't also doing that thing. Do worry if you're lying to yourself.
I lie all of the time to myself about food and exercise. All of the time; still to this day. Even after such an impressive amount of weight loss in those first 3 months of clean eating, I still have to coach myself off of the ledge of binge eating or giving into junky temptations. I wanted that slice of pie last week, too. I wanted to eat some of those free potato chips. There are still loads of granola bars at my office. It's still not easy, and it might not be for a really long time. But that time is coming regardless. Time is going to pass whether I try or don't try. So I just wake up every day and think only of the day at hand. It's not about yesterday's failures or tomorrows potential setbacks. It's about today and facing every obstacle as a little test to see if I still know the correct answer. Yup, I still know that if I'm not hungry, I don't eat. Yup, I still know that life is about balance and every now and then I'm allowed to eat something unnecessary.
What size am I? It doesn't matter. I'm starting to take pride in my fleshy vessel!
These two pictures are great because the first one was when I was heavier, but it was my favorite picture of me at the time. The second is my favorite picture now.