Here's the deal, I was really pumped to lose weight for a lot of reasons and one of those reasons was aesthetic. I wanted to "look and feel thin", so a flat stomach, less chins, etc. Fun fact, when I reached a certain weight my skin was no longer able to bounce back from being stretched out. So a flat stomach isn't something I'll ever get to experience.
And this is where the rage started kicking in.
I started to get all of these negative voices in my head about not having a flat stomach and it subsequently made me think negatively about my body despite the fact that I'd lost 115lbs and improved several health concerns. My doctor told me that I had a less than 1% chance of becoming pre-diabetic if I kept on this track. I'd done a huge service to myself and yet... I still felt like I wasn't allowed to be proud of myself because "I still have rolls and flab".
I can't remember the first time it occurred to me, but a voice stood out in my head that said: "I did not put this much time and effort into accomplishing my goal so that I can continue hating myself."
I am not interested in competing for "most physically flawless human". I already lost. That, and I don't have enough energy to care. It takes up so much of my mental real estate thinking about anything, and when most of those thoughts are negatively effecting me, I don't see the point. So, I started the process of reinforcing that voice of self-loving positivity.
Over the past few months I have told myself over and over again that I am not here to please the entire human race. I don't owe anyone an explanation for my shapes, lumps, stretch marks, extra skin, or any damn thing.
I have a spouse, so I don't care if people think my looks are off-putting (though that doesn't stop people from making unwelcome suggestions on how to improve myself to their liking)
I like myself and appreciate the freedom to express myself in any way that I wish. I don't see why I should have to stop wearing shorts in case someone doesn't like my imperfect legs. Or why I shouldn't be free to wear a bikini.
This goes way deeper than being the right size to do things. I've seen some pretty obese ladies wearing bikinis and they don't give AF. I wasn't raised in an environment where being fat was embraced. I was always told to "go for a walk" or "are you sure you want to eat that?". It was always about my weight and in my head, I wasn't going to be content until I was thin.
But then I got thin and the voices STILL made me think it wasn't enough. For months I've been telling those voices to stfu, and it's finally working. I find myself enjoying my body more and accepting it's flaws. I rely on my own opinions over anyone else, and I choose to focus on what I DO like about myself rather than dwell on things I hate and have no power to change.
Just as a side bar, I realize I technically have the power to get skin removal surgery and give me that flat stomach. More power to anyone who is into that, but personally I'm not interested. It's yet another thing to make me feel like I'm not good enough the way I am and that pisses me off. I didn't know how to take care of myself for the 30 years, but I'm here now and I've been left with battle scars. They can remove the skin from my stomach to flatten it, but what about my arms? Legs? Chin? Where does it stop; when does it end? Will it ever really be enough?
What about aging? It's not like any amount of surgery is gonna allow me the good graces of being thin AND young. I already missed that window, so what, I'm supposed to hate myself for the natural progression of time? Pretty sure that's not in my control, either.
The point of this rant is that I really do feel so much better these days, thanks to that small voice of sanity that spoke out from a sea of negativity.
I was always deserving of this kind of acceptance, we all are. We did not ask for our life or the circumstances we grew up in, we are merely left with the option on how we will proceed forward. I had to go through this to realize I had that power all along... and maybe that's also why I allow it to happen now. I have spent decades thinking "I'm not good enough the way I am". From now on, instead I say, "I am enough".
I am enough.