Throughout my life I've used many, many methods to change bad habits and mindsets. Today I'm going to focus on a biggie which is to consider the source.
I've come to realize that it's not healthy to automatically agree with someone just because they voiced their opinion. We're all entitled to our viewpoints and I welcome contrasting perspectives to my own, but in those instances I will ask for it. If I haven't asked for an opinion but it is given anyway it has a way of stewing in my brain and can make me feel worse about myself the longer it goes unaddressed. Those are the times when "consider the source" comes into play.
Growing up I dealt with a family member who was a mega-phone of negativity. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was too fat to be considered pretty, I was too opinionated to make a good wife, and I was conditioned to always be in competition with other girls. I was just a kid. I had no idea how to oppose that kind of thinking so I just assumed they were right and for years I hated myself for these qualities.
It wasn't until my late twenties that I realized I didn't actually agree with anything that had come out of that mega-phony. It took years of similar reactions from people and taking time to reflect on it to see that some people lash out because they are suffering and it can often manifest into abuse toward others. Basically to kick 'em when they're down, or the age-old saying that misery loves company. It didn't matter that I suffered my own battles or even that it was me specifically. I learned that they treated pretty much everyone else that way, too. So from this experience I take can away the reality that when someone is deeply wounded and suffering, nothing they say or do is about the target, it's about them. No matter what I say they will always see themselves as the victim, so it's up to me to be the one to change how I react. Because I can. When I considering this source, I no longer take their words personally.
The first time I can remember someone calling me fat was when I was 11. I had moved to a new school so I didn't know anyone and I had a lot of trouble fitting in. One day when I was sitting in the hallway a boy passed by and asked me if I was pregnant. I knew exactly what he was saying, as I had noticed my belly stuck out more than others, but it seems that it was the first time I internalized words like that as insult. That was the day I started sucking in my gut on a daily basis and would continue to do so until it became a lifelong habit. I have some killer abs now, though!
Looking back on that moment isn't painful to me now because when I consider the source, we were 11. I was also an idiot and I know I said plenty of mean 11-year-old things, too. For all I know he was pressured by his parents to stay fit or has since had to deal with weight issues and now he knows first hand how it feels to face it.
About 2 years ago, when I still had a Facebook account, I started a FedUpFatGirl group which had a good following and it was fun to share meal ideas and hear about other people's journeys. One day we got flooded by Herbalife distributors trying to peddle their products and I had to insist that they either stop or leave the group. Instead of doing that they began insulting members, saying my methods didn't work and called me fat.
I immediately burst out laughing. Consider the source! These poor people have been duped into a pyramid scheme that has hurt thousands of innocent people. Their tactics were aggressive, maybe in hopes to bully people into thinking that if they're loud enough they must be right. To each their own if you're into that stuff, but I had already tried Herbalife products back in high school and it was absolute shit on a shingle. Products aside, stooping to calling me fat is literally the tactic of an 11 year old. If you want to hurt my feelings your going to have to come up with something worse than I already insult myself about. Fat chance! The final straw was when the insults were directed at other members of the group. Not everyone is in the same place mentally and an insult can completely derail or stall a lot of hard work. Therefore, I had no hesitation to kick them out and ban them from the group.
The moral of my stories is to reflect on interactions where I felt ashamed or picked on and how I then asked myself "WHY?" Am I angry because a part of me believes them? Do I agree with their words and think I am fat, stupid, ugly, etc? It has helped me a great deal to stop and consider the source because if someone is intentionally taking time out of their day to try to hurt my feelings, it seems likely that they're suffering their own insecurities. Like a child who lashes out because negative attention is better than no attention, they sometimes grow up without having sorted that out for themselves. But YOU can.
I've come to realize that it's not healthy to automatically agree with someone just because they voiced their opinion. We're all entitled to our viewpoints and I welcome contrasting perspectives to my own, but in those instances I will ask for it. If I haven't asked for an opinion but it is given anyway it has a way of stewing in my brain and can make me feel worse about myself the longer it goes unaddressed. Those are the times when "consider the source" comes into play.
Growing up I dealt with a family member who was a mega-phone of negativity. Nothing I ever did was good enough. I was too fat to be considered pretty, I was too opinionated to make a good wife, and I was conditioned to always be in competition with other girls. I was just a kid. I had no idea how to oppose that kind of thinking so I just assumed they were right and for years I hated myself for these qualities.
It wasn't until my late twenties that I realized I didn't actually agree with anything that had come out of that mega-phony. It took years of similar reactions from people and taking time to reflect on it to see that some people lash out because they are suffering and it can often manifest into abuse toward others. Basically to kick 'em when they're down, or the age-old saying that misery loves company. It didn't matter that I suffered my own battles or even that it was me specifically. I learned that they treated pretty much everyone else that way, too. So from this experience I take can away the reality that when someone is deeply wounded and suffering, nothing they say or do is about the target, it's about them. No matter what I say they will always see themselves as the victim, so it's up to me to be the one to change how I react. Because I can. When I considering this source, I no longer take their words personally.
The first time I can remember someone calling me fat was when I was 11. I had moved to a new school so I didn't know anyone and I had a lot of trouble fitting in. One day when I was sitting in the hallway a boy passed by and asked me if I was pregnant. I knew exactly what he was saying, as I had noticed my belly stuck out more than others, but it seems that it was the first time I internalized words like that as insult. That was the day I started sucking in my gut on a daily basis and would continue to do so until it became a lifelong habit. I have some killer abs now, though!
Looking back on that moment isn't painful to me now because when I consider the source, we were 11. I was also an idiot and I know I said plenty of mean 11-year-old things, too. For all I know he was pressured by his parents to stay fit or has since had to deal with weight issues and now he knows first hand how it feels to face it.
About 2 years ago, when I still had a Facebook account, I started a FedUpFatGirl group which had a good following and it was fun to share meal ideas and hear about other people's journeys. One day we got flooded by Herbalife distributors trying to peddle their products and I had to insist that they either stop or leave the group. Instead of doing that they began insulting members, saying my methods didn't work and called me fat.
I immediately burst out laughing. Consider the source! These poor people have been duped into a pyramid scheme that has hurt thousands of innocent people. Their tactics were aggressive, maybe in hopes to bully people into thinking that if they're loud enough they must be right. To each their own if you're into that stuff, but I had already tried Herbalife products back in high school and it was absolute shit on a shingle. Products aside, stooping to calling me fat is literally the tactic of an 11 year old. If you want to hurt my feelings your going to have to come up with something worse than I already insult myself about. Fat chance! The final straw was when the insults were directed at other members of the group. Not everyone is in the same place mentally and an insult can completely derail or stall a lot of hard work. Therefore, I had no hesitation to kick them out and ban them from the group.
The moral of my stories is to reflect on interactions where I felt ashamed or picked on and how I then asked myself "WHY?" Am I angry because a part of me believes them? Do I agree with their words and think I am fat, stupid, ugly, etc? It has helped me a great deal to stop and consider the source because if someone is intentionally taking time out of their day to try to hurt my feelings, it seems likely that they're suffering their own insecurities. Like a child who lashes out because negative attention is better than no attention, they sometimes grow up without having sorted that out for themselves. But YOU can.