It's very easy to step back and see that most of my issues are stemming from a lack of preparedness. There are times when I get tired of having to work several jobs on top of all of life's to-do's and then this new healthier lifestyle that also requires time. It's hard to stay focused at every moment, and quite frankly, I haven't always been focused. There is some solace in knowing that even with my many mistakes and set backs, I still managed to keep myself in check. I have to keep reminding myself that I have already done the hardest part. Now it's a matter of checking in with myself and relying on my daily routine to keep me balanced while I sort out any stressful factors.
I can tell that I have let myself slip into a 'fearless' mindset. This one comes up when I think I'm hot shizzie and almost fool myself into thinking I didn't have to work hard to get here, so I can go back to eating like an idiot. This mindset did not happen at my conscious request. My first red flag was that I was creeping up on the scale back toward 150lbs. I wasn't concerned initially since weight fluctuates, but when I saw 149 this morning I just wanted to have one of those conversations with myself and just see if something was up - sure enough I admitted that I was more snacky and was wanting more sugar. Usually I can satiate that with fruit, but lately I'd been allowing myself to indulge in desserts when offered at parties/etc. The exact habit/trap I've been fighting against from the very beginning. The excess sugar was intoxicating and I contemplated many things at the grocery store today as a result.
I am happy to report that even though I was very hungry while shopping, I stuck to my list and did not buy anything to feed into the habit. I wish I could say I curbed it completely right then, but I didn't. I got home, walked the dogs and then got lost in a Netflix show and ate far too many mixed nuts/raisins. Too many, in my opinion, is measured by how painful it leaves me after I've consumed it. In my right mind, I knew I should have made popcorn. For me, getting past the sugar hump includes a period of denial bingeing. My brain is screaming for more sweets, but I know I can't overdo it on fruit. I learned that the incredibly hard way and I'm absolutely not willing to experience that ever again. Relying on my better judgement there, so that was good. I still ended up with a stomach ache for about 25 minutes as my body had to deal with the onslaught of incoming food. I get pain in the stomach like a cramp from hell but higher in the abdomen, nausea, and I feel SUPER cold from the inside out. It's all around not a good feeling and even though it passed within a half hour, I still wasted a half hour of my life on something negative that I could have easily avoided - since I caused it.
I feel, in general, that leading a healthier lifestyle is adopting a mindset that out-logics the fat logic. My fat logic was off of the charts, so it was hard to rip myself from such strong rooted opinions and accept that things I thought were true were just other people's opinions, guesses or misinformed ideas. I still maintain effort toward keeping an open mind and being willing to accept new ideas - but ultimately I feel confident about certain things I believe in and am, as I always have been, willing to use myself as living proof of my ideas. If I think something is worth the effort, then I am completely in it, 100%. I don't like to half-ass anything. I'm whole-assing it.
When I stop and think about why I am so strict on myself I am reminded of all of the people in my life who I looked up to. The people I most admire have one thing in common, and that is the desire to be more than they are now. They understand that getting to their personal goals requires daily effort and a strong resolve to see it to fruition. I have a goal to see what healthy living feels like after 5 years, 10 years, 50 years. That's not going to happen with a 30-Day Cleanse or fad diet, it takes 5, 10, 50 years of dedication to an idea that living in a healthy body is more enjoyable than a sick one. I only have a year under my belt, but I know there's absolutely no way on god's green earth that I would give up this body now that I have it. I love it so much that I want to obey its needs and give it only what makes it feel better.
I already feel a lot better after venting this out. I know that everyone is trying hard to accomplish their own life goals, so I hope that we can all feel a little better knowing that even when we feel successful, we're still going to have no good poopy days that make us question our abilities.
Don't stop. Let's collectively take a deep breath in and a deep breath out. You keep trying and I'll keep trying and everything will be as it should be.
Yay life! <3
Also, comparisons always cheer me up so today I made a super dramatic one, since I'm feeling funky lately.