Personally, one of the big highlights of healthy eating is that I haven't had to count calories. In my experience over the past 6 months, it is increasingly difficult to overeat because nourishing food is incredibly filling. There's nothing nourishing in Cheetos, so it was easy for me to eat an entire bag in one sitting. I learned from my experiences with Weight Watchers that portion control is important. So while I was on that diet, or just trying to watch what I eat, I would be sure to portion out a serving so that I wouldn't mindlessly overeat. The problem is, those foods were so addictive. Intentionally so, in fact, that it became inevitable that I would backslide back into overeating it. It was hard for me to keep junky food options in the house because I would eventually hear the little devil in my head telling me it's okay if I have 2 bowls of snacks today... I'll just work out extra hard tomorrow. Well, after so many times of letting myself give in to the temptation I was right back where I had started, and kicking my past self for not having stuck with it. If I could go back and slap some sense into my former self, that is one of the moments in time I'd do it.
There are clear memories of my husband going off to work and me having thoughts like, "Oh good, now I can eat without anyone seeing me." Because that's a very mature, adult way to think about things. Just like a toddler covering her eyes and screaming "You can't see me!". As far as perception goes, sure, I'm alone and no one is going to hold me accountable. Except for me, of course. I still judged myself and I still felt bad after allowing myself to binge. The devil would say, have 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast, left over somethings for lunch and then suggest ordering a pizza and maybe some bread sticks.
The little devil never left. The fact of the matter is, no one should have to hold me accountable for what I eat. I should be able to take care of that on my own. I have the ability to get to the store, I have chosen to spend more money on quality food and less money on going out. I even drastically cut down on drinking alcohol. I drank over Halloween and it did not grant me an enjoyable Sunday, so drinking is becoming more and more of a turn off. It doesn't make me feel good, so why continue to do it? The little devil still says some of the stupidest BS I've ever thought possible, but I've learned to deny that voice any real credibility. Look, devil thoughts, you had your time to run the show and you did a piss poor job playing manager. You've been demoted to random thought and I let my new friend logic take the reigns.
Sometimes I will realize I've been standing in an aisle contemplating buying a chocolate bar or some kind of snack I know I don't need and logic has helped me to go, "nah, not today". I mentioned that being a strategy I'd adopted several months ago when I was tempted to buy things that were frivolous and maybe a tad on the junky side. Every time I was confronted with making a decision on whether or not to eat something with sugar I would say to myself, "I'll have it tomorrow". Eventually I didn't think about it as often, but it never completely went away. Even today I was thinking about it and the script played in my head. I consider it to be a huge victory in my progress because it means that I have successfully formed a healthy habit. I do not need to be told not to eat something. I will naturally not eat things unless I have already considered the consequences.
I was curious over the weekend to see how many calories I eat versus how many calories I used to eat when I was dieting. One of my diets was to eat less than 1500 calories and work out at the school gym facilities 3 times a week for an hour. These numbers are estimations as I didn't keep any of the notebooks I used to track my diet/exercise from back in that time frame. I do remember a fair amount of what I would typically eat in a day and looked up the nutrition info of those foods on the internet.
Here's an idea of what my old diet consisted of while I was portion controlling and counting calories:
Breakfast - [TOTAL Calories: 399; Sugars: 28g/7 tsp (100%); 290mg (12%)]
Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats
Calories: 179
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 0mg (0%)
Silk Plain Soy Milk
Calories: 100
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 120mg (5%)
Starbucks 16oz Grande Vanilla Latte with Skim Milk
Calories: 120
Sugars: 16g/4tsp (66%)
Sodium: 170mg (7%)
Snack
Gala Apple
Calories: 80
Sugars: 16g/4tsp (66%)
Sodium: 0mg (0%)
Lunch - [TOTAL Calories: 441; Sugars: 10g/2.5tsp (33.5%); Sodium 1,132mg/45%)
Brownberry Whole Grain Bread (2 slices)
Calories: 220
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 300mg (12%)
Natural Choice Oven Roasted Turkey
Calories: 60
Sugars: 3g/3/4tsp (12.5%)
Sodium: 440mg (18%)
Kraft American Singles
Calories: 70
Sugars: 1g/1/4tsp (4%)
Sodium: 220mg (9%)
Hellman's Real Mayonnaise
Calories: 90
Sugars: 0g (0%)
Sodium: 90mg (4%)
20 oz Diet Coke
Calories: 1
Sugars: 0 (contains Aspertame)
Sodium: 82mg (2%)
Snack
Nabisco 100-Calorie Pack - Oreo Thin Crisps
Calories: 100
Sugars: 8g/2tsp. (33%)
Sodium: 150mg (6%)
Dinner - [TOTAL Calories: 474; Sugars: 4g/18.5%; Sodium: 1,518mg (62%)
Chicken Lo Mein (Chinese Take Out)
Calories: 123
Sugars: 1g/1/4tsp (4%)
Sodium: 236mg (10%)
Wonton Soup
Calories: 60
Sugars: 0g (0%)
Sodium: 730mg (30%)
5 Cream Cheese Wontons
Calories: 290
Sugars: 3g/3/4tsp (12.5%)
Sodium: 470mg (20%)
20 oz Diet Coke
Calories: 1
Sugars: 0 (contains Aspertame)
Sodium: 82mg (2%)
********************************************************************************************************************
And here's an example of what I ate one day last week:
Breakfast - [Calories: 221; Sugars: 0; Sodium: 80mg (3%)]
2 Organic Jumbo Eggs
Calories: 90
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Coconut Oil
Calories: 131
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 0mg
Snack - [TOTAL Calories: 290; Sugars: 16g/4tsp; Sodium: 80mg (3%)]
Medium Honeycrisp Apple
Calories: 80
Sugars: 16g/4tsp
Sodium: 0mg
Good Life Crunchy Peanut Butter
Calories: 210
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Lunch - [TOTAL Calories: 508; Sugars: ~3g/<1tsp; Sodium: 405 (16%)]
Homemade salad:
Romaine - Calories: 5; Sugar: <1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 2mg (0%)
Spinach - Calories: 7; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 24mg (1%)
Carrots - Calories: 11; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 42mg (2%)
Celery - Calories: 6; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 32mg (1%)
Kidney Beans - Calories: 54; Sugar: 1g/(16%), Sodium: 165mg (7%)
Chicken - Calories: 195; Sugar: 0 (0%), Sodium: 60mg (2%)
Avocado - Calories: 140; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (16%), Sodium: 0
Hard Boiled Egg - Calories: 90, Sugar: 0; Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Snack:
Unsalted Mixed Nuts & Raisins
Calories: 210
Sugars: 8g/2tsp (33%)
Sodium: 5mg (0%)
Dinner - [TOTAL: Calories: 292; Sugars: ~2g/1/2tsp; Sodium: 249mg (10%)]
Chicken Noodle Soup:
Chicken - Calories: 75; Sugar: 0g; Sodium: 20mg (1%)
Celery - Calories: 6; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 32mg (1%)
Carrots - Calories: 11; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 42mg (2%)
Pasta - Calories: 200; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 0mg
Salt - Calories: 0; Sugar: 0g; Sodium: 155mg (6%)
Snack:
Grapes
Calories: 92
Sugars: 22g/5 1/2tsp (85%)
Sodium: 0mg
There are clear memories of my husband going off to work and me having thoughts like, "Oh good, now I can eat without anyone seeing me." Because that's a very mature, adult way to think about things. Just like a toddler covering her eyes and screaming "You can't see me!". As far as perception goes, sure, I'm alone and no one is going to hold me accountable. Except for me, of course. I still judged myself and I still felt bad after allowing myself to binge. The devil would say, have 3 bowls of cereal for breakfast, left over somethings for lunch and then suggest ordering a pizza and maybe some bread sticks.
The little devil never left. The fact of the matter is, no one should have to hold me accountable for what I eat. I should be able to take care of that on my own. I have the ability to get to the store, I have chosen to spend more money on quality food and less money on going out. I even drastically cut down on drinking alcohol. I drank over Halloween and it did not grant me an enjoyable Sunday, so drinking is becoming more and more of a turn off. It doesn't make me feel good, so why continue to do it? The little devil still says some of the stupidest BS I've ever thought possible, but I've learned to deny that voice any real credibility. Look, devil thoughts, you had your time to run the show and you did a piss poor job playing manager. You've been demoted to random thought and I let my new friend logic take the reigns.
Sometimes I will realize I've been standing in an aisle contemplating buying a chocolate bar or some kind of snack I know I don't need and logic has helped me to go, "nah, not today". I mentioned that being a strategy I'd adopted several months ago when I was tempted to buy things that were frivolous and maybe a tad on the junky side. Every time I was confronted with making a decision on whether or not to eat something with sugar I would say to myself, "I'll have it tomorrow". Eventually I didn't think about it as often, but it never completely went away. Even today I was thinking about it and the script played in my head. I consider it to be a huge victory in my progress because it means that I have successfully formed a healthy habit. I do not need to be told not to eat something. I will naturally not eat things unless I have already considered the consequences.
I was curious over the weekend to see how many calories I eat versus how many calories I used to eat when I was dieting. One of my diets was to eat less than 1500 calories and work out at the school gym facilities 3 times a week for an hour. These numbers are estimations as I didn't keep any of the notebooks I used to track my diet/exercise from back in that time frame. I do remember a fair amount of what I would typically eat in a day and looked up the nutrition info of those foods on the internet.
Here's an idea of what my old diet consisted of while I was portion controlling and counting calories:
Breakfast - [TOTAL Calories: 399; Sugars: 28g/7 tsp (100%); 290mg (12%)]
Kellogg's Frosted Mini Wheats
Calories: 179
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 0mg (0%)
Silk Plain Soy Milk
Calories: 100
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 120mg (5%)
Starbucks 16oz Grande Vanilla Latte with Skim Milk
Calories: 120
Sugars: 16g/4tsp (66%)
Sodium: 170mg (7%)
Snack
Gala Apple
Calories: 80
Sugars: 16g/4tsp (66%)
Sodium: 0mg (0%)
Lunch - [TOTAL Calories: 441; Sugars: 10g/2.5tsp (33.5%); Sodium 1,132mg/45%)
Brownberry Whole Grain Bread (2 slices)
Calories: 220
Sugars: 6g/1.5tsp (17%)
Sodium: 300mg (12%)
Natural Choice Oven Roasted Turkey
Calories: 60
Sugars: 3g/3/4tsp (12.5%)
Sodium: 440mg (18%)
Kraft American Singles
Calories: 70
Sugars: 1g/1/4tsp (4%)
Sodium: 220mg (9%)
Hellman's Real Mayonnaise
Calories: 90
Sugars: 0g (0%)
Sodium: 90mg (4%)
20 oz Diet Coke
Calories: 1
Sugars: 0 (contains Aspertame)
Sodium: 82mg (2%)
Snack
Nabisco 100-Calorie Pack - Oreo Thin Crisps
Calories: 100
Sugars: 8g/2tsp. (33%)
Sodium: 150mg (6%)
Dinner - [TOTAL Calories: 474; Sugars: 4g/18.5%; Sodium: 1,518mg (62%)
Chicken Lo Mein (Chinese Take Out)
Calories: 123
Sugars: 1g/1/4tsp (4%)
Sodium: 236mg (10%)
Wonton Soup
Calories: 60
Sugars: 0g (0%)
Sodium: 730mg (30%)
5 Cream Cheese Wontons
Calories: 290
Sugars: 3g/3/4tsp (12.5%)
Sodium: 470mg (20%)
20 oz Diet Coke
Calories: 1
Sugars: 0 (contains Aspertame)
Sodium: 82mg (2%)
********************************************************************************************************************
And here's an example of what I ate one day last week:
Breakfast - [Calories: 221; Sugars: 0; Sodium: 80mg (3%)]
2 Organic Jumbo Eggs
Calories: 90
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Coconut Oil
Calories: 131
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 0mg
Snack - [TOTAL Calories: 290; Sugars: 16g/4tsp; Sodium: 80mg (3%)]
Medium Honeycrisp Apple
Calories: 80
Sugars: 16g/4tsp
Sodium: 0mg
Good Life Crunchy Peanut Butter
Calories: 210
Sugars: 0g
Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Lunch - [TOTAL Calories: 508; Sugars: ~3g/<1tsp; Sodium: 405 (16%)]
Homemade salad:
Romaine - Calories: 5; Sugar: <1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 2mg (0%)
Spinach - Calories: 7; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 24mg (1%)
Carrots - Calories: 11; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 42mg (2%)
Celery - Calories: 6; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 32mg (1%)
Kidney Beans - Calories: 54; Sugar: 1g/(16%), Sodium: 165mg (7%)
Chicken - Calories: 195; Sugar: 0 (0%), Sodium: 60mg (2%)
Avocado - Calories: 140; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (16%), Sodium: 0
Hard Boiled Egg - Calories: 90, Sugar: 0; Sodium: 80mg (3%)
Snack:
Unsalted Mixed Nuts & Raisins
Calories: 210
Sugars: 8g/2tsp (33%)
Sodium: 5mg (0%)
Dinner - [TOTAL: Calories: 292; Sugars: ~2g/1/2tsp; Sodium: 249mg (10%)]
Chicken Noodle Soup:
Chicken - Calories: 75; Sugar: 0g; Sodium: 20mg (1%)
Celery - Calories: 6; Sugar: <1g (0%), Sodium: 32mg (1%)
Carrots - Calories: 11; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 42mg (2%)
Pasta - Calories: 200; Sugar: 1g/1/4tsp (4%), Sodium: 0mg
Salt - Calories: 0; Sugar: 0g; Sodium: 155mg (6%)
Snack:
Grapes
Calories: 92
Sugars: 22g/5 1/2tsp (85%)
Sodium: 0mg
I'm not sure that this one example really proves anything, but it is very interesting for me to see the results. I still eat plenty of sugar, but it is coming primarily from fruits and vegetables, whereas before it came mostly from snacks and beverages.
It's cool that the calories in/calories out formula works out for some folks, but that method isn't the ONLY way to lose weight. From the numbers above it is also important to note the decrease in sodium, as well. Although I used to eat delivery food often, I also consumed a lot of processed or diet/low fat/fat free boxed items that were lacking flavor, so they pumped them full of salt and other flavorings. I think it's helpful for me to remember that while sugar is detrimental to overall health, so is processed food. The sooner I eat something from it being picked/slaughtered, the better. Like how my little fresh herb garden tastes amazing compared to dried herbs at the grocery store. Or how a Sweet 16 apple picked from a tree tastes like candy, and the ones in the grocery store taste like they didn't get to ripen long enough. The more disconnected the food is from its natural state, the less delicious it seems to be.
All I can conclude this week is that trying is always seems harder than not trying. People used to say to me that if you want something bad enough you'll do whatever it takes to get it. I think it's true. Sure, it took me until I was 31 to figure some things out. Sure, I yo-yo'd a lot and felt like a complete failure on more than one occasion. Sure, it's difficult to completely change my eating habits and it certainly hasn't been perfect - but I've wanted this for as long as I can remember and I'm never going to settle for less than what I want. I wanted to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I wanted to feel what it's like to be small and easy to pick up. I wanted to know what self-confidence really feels like, not just putting on an act to get me through the rough days. I see myself in a reflection and still can't believe that's really what I look like now. I have arrived at my original goal weight and am enjoying every moment of it. It's not important that I'm thin - it's important that I am doing more good than harm now. My desire to lead a healthier life was the spark, and my happiness with my body shape is what motivated me to keep going.
If it takes me 6 months, a year, 5 years to reach my goal of 130-140lbs, so be it. I love this version of me and I'm content to live with her for as long as she wants to stay!
It's cool that the calories in/calories out formula works out for some folks, but that method isn't the ONLY way to lose weight. From the numbers above it is also important to note the decrease in sodium, as well. Although I used to eat delivery food often, I also consumed a lot of processed or diet/low fat/fat free boxed items that were lacking flavor, so they pumped them full of salt and other flavorings. I think it's helpful for me to remember that while sugar is detrimental to overall health, so is processed food. The sooner I eat something from it being picked/slaughtered, the better. Like how my little fresh herb garden tastes amazing compared to dried herbs at the grocery store. Or how a Sweet 16 apple picked from a tree tastes like candy, and the ones in the grocery store taste like they didn't get to ripen long enough. The more disconnected the food is from its natural state, the less delicious it seems to be.
All I can conclude this week is that trying is always seems harder than not trying. People used to say to me that if you want something bad enough you'll do whatever it takes to get it. I think it's true. Sure, it took me until I was 31 to figure some things out. Sure, I yo-yo'd a lot and felt like a complete failure on more than one occasion. Sure, it's difficult to completely change my eating habits and it certainly hasn't been perfect - but I've wanted this for as long as I can remember and I'm never going to settle for less than what I want. I wanted to look in the mirror and be proud of myself. I wanted to feel what it's like to be small and easy to pick up. I wanted to know what self-confidence really feels like, not just putting on an act to get me through the rough days. I see myself in a reflection and still can't believe that's really what I look like now. I have arrived at my original goal weight and am enjoying every moment of it. It's not important that I'm thin - it's important that I am doing more good than harm now. My desire to lead a healthier life was the spark, and my happiness with my body shape is what motivated me to keep going.
If it takes me 6 months, a year, 5 years to reach my goal of 130-140lbs, so be it. I love this version of me and I'm content to live with her for as long as she wants to stay!